Want to learn how to communicate better? Remove this word from your vocabulary to see how it changes your conversations.
- Today I want to talk about "buts" no not those kind of butts. I want to talk about the word "but". It's really the kind of word that we should all try to remove from our vocabulary as much as possible and here's why. How many of us have ever been in a conversation with someone who says something along the lines of, "I really like the work you're doing on the marketing project but I'm wondering how much time we have devoted to the development project?" What happens when you hear, "I really like the work you're doing on the marketing project but" is that immediately you sink to negate the whole first part of the sentence because clearly whatever they're saying to you was just to pave the way to this other criticism. So try instead to replace the word "but" with the word "and". "I really like the work you've done on the recent marketing project and I'm wondering how much time we have dedicated to the new development project." See how that sounds completely different? So go ahead and try replacing the word "but" with the word "and" and see how it changes your conversations.
The ‘this then that’ thinking is a very common pattern that we all fall into time and again, and it’s important to be aware of any judgments we might make about what someone believes. Just because they believe in one idea, does not necessarily believe in another. If we make it a habit to never assume and always ask, we can avoid conflicts due to presuppositions.
- So it's pretty common nowadays to hear people openly discuss maybe political ideas or movements that they support without even really needing to be prompted and so oftentimes we hear you know someone might support a certain idea and we're tempted to make a judgement about them kind of thinking oh well if this person believes this then they must believe that. Maybe one example would be if you heard somebody talking about owning a gun, you would automatically think that person is against gun control or that someone who might have immigrated to the U.S. is automatically against tighter immigration laws. So that kind of this "then that mentality" is really common and we all fall into it from time to time but it's really important to be aware that any judgments we might make about someone else it's just that - it's a judgment. It's an assumption. Just because someone does believe one idea it doesn't necessarily mean they believe in another and so if we make it a habit to never assume and always ask people, we can avoid conflicts due to presuppositions and assumptions about people. So keep that in mind as you're having conversations when you learn little facts about people. Dig deeper to find out more, don't just make assumptions about what you think you know about them. Thanks.
Do you or someone you know tend to always put themselves on the back-burner? Ashley Virtue, Dir. of External Relations at the National Conflict Resolution Center, shares why putting yourself on the back-burner can turn into a big issue.
With the recent March for Our Lives movement, younger and younger Americans are now voicing their opinions on the divisive issues that are affecting the country at the moment. In this episode of Mindset Monday, Ashley Virtue shares tips on how we can become mentors for civil dialogue for future generations.
Have an open office space? If you answered yes, here are a few tips on how to thrive in a communal workspace and avoid conflict.
- communal workspace more and more of us are discovering that we are somehow connected to communal workspace a lot of companies are opening up and doing large areas where cubicles or people are working next to each other or folks are renting space at communal work areas or maybe you even just go to Starbucks to work for a few hours a day but the idea is that we all have our individual preferences it was our work environment and the idea of communal workspace is getting kind of forced or encouraged on more and more of us which could be a hard adjustment but it doesn't need to turn into a workplace conflict if you are in a situation where you're dealing with communal workspace go into it knowing that you're gonna be encountering others who don't have your same work style they may not be as clean as you or they may be way more clean than you they may have different noise levels at which they talk on the phone or habits like tapping their watch while they're working these are things that you're gonna have to go into knowing and also acknowledging no one's doing it to purposefully upset you but the other thing about communal workspace that's important is the communal part the community part and especially the communication part remember that if there is something that's not working for you there's a way to approach others you're working with to talk about it chances are they're not even aware of the fact that it could be something that's bothering you and if you don't approach them in a really confrontational way but instead a really nice way that's looking for solutions they'll probably be able to accommodate you so don't let it build up address them before it happens and also be prepared if someone needs to address you about one of your work style issues it's all part of working in this community environment also think about the positives of that there's a buzz and an energy around projects you're in the know on certain things and you have the opportunity to maybe make new friends that you wouldn't have made so don't always focus on the negative either make sure you look at the positives of those things
National Conflict Resolution Center Local Peacemaker award recipient and San Diego attorney, Elizabeth Lopez, shares how talking to people from other places, including countries other than your own, can give you new perspectives Lopez was selected for her pro bono immigration work with individuals fleeing persecution in their home countries and seeking asylum in San Diego and Imperial counties.
National Conflict Resolution Center Local Peacemaker award recipient Diane Takvorian shares the "Problem Solution Action" framework that EHC uses to solve problems in the community. The key is finding how to structure the issue in a way that helps everyone get to a solution. #MindsetMonday
Takvorian is the executive director of the Environmental Health Coalition, which she helped found in 1980. The coalition’s focus is environmental social justice, defined by the notion that everyone deserves a safe place to live, work and play, said Takvorian, who has been drawn to civil rights issues since her youth.
National Conflict Resolution Center Local Peacemaker award recipient, Anne Wilson, shares how talking to someone on the opposite side of the political spectrum can help you find common ground. Wilson has been selected as a community hero by KPBS and the National Conflict Resolution Center for her longstanding efforts and success in bringing to San Diego more affordable housing, an issue she sees as critical to helping working families. Wilson is the senior vice president of housing and real estate development for Community HousingWorks, a nonprofit responsible for creating or renovating close to 3,000 affordable housing units in the area. She joined Community HousingWorks in 2002.
National Conflict Resolution Center Local Peacemaker award recipient, Elizabeth Bustos, has few tips on how you can resolve conflict with civility. Bustos is the community engagement director for Be There San Diego, a coalition of health-care systems, government entities and community organizations working to prevent heart attacks and strokes. She directs the Southeastern San Diego Cardiac Disparities Project, which aims to reduce the incidence of heart disease among African-Americans, who are at greater risk for developing the disease, according to the American Heart Association.
Hello my name is Elizabeth Bustos and my hot tip of the week is this, when you want to have a conversation with somebody and you really want to get into their space ask for permission first. You would be surprised how much more wonderful that conversation can be. Oh and another thing, maybe I do have a second tip for you. When you're having a conversation, remember to listen and learn because there are such good stories out there and that's how we really honor somebody.
NCRC Director of External Relations Ashley Virtue was live on Facebook answering your questions!
Hi everyone, welcome to a very special edition of Mindset Monday. We are coming to you live on Facebook from our downtown San Diego office at the National Conflict Resolution Center and we are so glad you're joining us. Thank you for being here. This is our first live show for Mindset Monday and we want to do a few of these throughout the year so stay tuned we will let you know as they come up. Keep in mind that we would love to know if you're watching so in the comments below let us know if you're here. Let us know if you're watching and where you're watching from. I know we have a lot of San Diego viewers but I know we have a lot of dedicated viewers around the country and so we would love to know where you're watching us from and also we want you to chat with us today so if you have any questions about conflict resolution or mediation or communication skills now is your time make sure that you type them in we would love to see what those are and chat with you and answer your questions today and just want to kind of make a quick note about that this is the boring stuff sorry I have to do it just because we answer your question that you write in I have to say I am NOT your mediator you have not hired me as your mediator so that's kind of the legal end of this I just want to make sure you know that I may give you some advice or my views on something but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm it doesn't mean at all that I'm acting as your mediator so okay got that out of the way but I had to let you know that so one of the things that were asked all the time is you know the national conflict resolution Center what is the national conflict resolution Center that sounds so broad and honestly it sounds so broad because it is really broad we handle conflicts at all levels of society so we work really in two ways at NCRC one way is on the service side of what we do so we do services like mediation or facilitations hosting dialogues and community building circles so that's really actively engaging with people in the community in a service the other branch of what we do is in training we train people all around the world in conflict resolution skills and in mediation skills so if you're out there and you're thinking I've always kind of been interested in mediation that might be something I'd want to do as a career at some point or just to boost my resume we can train you and credential you in that process we also do training with phenomenal other organizations around the country we work with great community groups we work with foster aged youth refugee communities veterans homeless we also train high-level corporate institutions that have us come in to train managers and supervisors and we also work with a lot of government institutions where we go in and train sometimes even their entire staff for all of their managers and supervisors in a certain conflict management strategy so anyway that's just like a very condensed version of what NCRC does but we do get questions about that a lot it's it's really broad we do many many things here but they're all focused around this idea of building a more civil society where we can engage and talk with one another effectively and with with kindness and respect so that's that's what NCRC is I'm gonna check in here Stephanie do we have a question okay okay good question so we have a question from Stephen um saying it's heard about mediation but what exactly is that great question so mediation is a process and you've probably heard of it before in fact if you have signed a contract of any kind in the last ten years you've probably signed a clause that says if there's any issues with this contract to going to court you may need to go to either mediation or something called arbitration before going to court and the reason for that is that the court system really wants to see people try to resolve issues outside of the very bogged down judicial court system right now and so they encourage people to go through these processes like mediation that are known as alternative dispute resolution okay so what mediation is is when a neutral third party mediator comes into a situation where there's a conflict and meets with both parties one thing that's kind of interesting about a mediator is that they do not direct the parties to a solution that's something that's misunderstood a lot of the time mediators are not there to tell the parties what they have to do they don't make a judgement or ruling at the end of a mediation session mediators are really there to bring people together and help guide their conversation so that the parties who are in conflict can possibly come up with a solution themselves so what's great about mediation the reason that we are such big believers in it is it's all about empowering people who are in conflict and who have maybe hit a point in the conflict where they don't know how to move forward the mediator is there to direct them through the process and guide them to a path forward but gives them the control of saying whether or not they agree with that solution gives them the control of coming up with ideas for the solution and that's really nice and really really different than going through say the legal process or going through the court system because once you get in front of that judge you present your case and then whatever the ruling is it's done you you kind of have to accept that in a mediation you have an opportunity to be a part of the solution not have the solution told to you so a lot of people opt for mediation prior to going to court because they like that idea of being part of the solution kind of having that control having that power and being able to do that so we highly recommend mediation um we definitely see a lot of folks come through who even some folks who come in and say there's no way the other party and I are gonna come to a solution there's just it's not gonna happen and then to their surprise and and it's really a wonderful thing to see they do come up with something we even say even if you don't come up with a solution and the mediation a full-fledged agreement usually people make enough progress that at least the rest of the time that you're going through your dispute you've at least made a lot of steps forward and you're much closer to resolution than you were if you hadn't come into mediation so that's just one thing to keep in mind if you're ever considering it also call us if you're ever considering mediation or you have questions about it we have case managers that this is all they do and they can talk you through your case maybe what you know from the other side recommend the right kind of mediator for you and really walk you through the process so that you have a good understanding of it so it's a great option I highly recommend it that also brings me to another thought and topic I wanted to mention if you are local in San Diego we have a wonderful new column in partnership with the Union Tribune every single Sunday you can see it we are doing a fabulous column called mediate this and our president of our organization Steve Dinkin is writing back to people who write into the Union Tribune with questions about conflicts that they're in and there's a number of ways that you can submit a question to mediate this they're all anonymous so if you have a conflict or situation you definitely you know don't want people to know who you are don't worry they're kept confidential it's anonymous but your question could be published and we could write you an answer kind of like a advice column I guess you could call it and so it's great we've been running now for I think five or six weeks in the B section of the Sunday paper and even if you don't have a question that you want to your own conflict it's worth picking it up and reading just because there's probably something someone else has written in that you may have some experience with or you may have had some questions about at one point and it's great to read what the answers are they're really really helpful also wanted to let you know that I'm really looking forward to the next four weeks of mindset Mondays we have a really special series coming up you have probably heard about our peacemaker Awards we're posting about it all the time and we're really excited about this evening where we get to honor just phenomenal individuals who are contributing to peacemaking efforts all around the country around the world four of our peacemaker awardees are for local awardees are going to be they've they're filming mindset Mondays for us over the next four weeks so you're actually not gonna hear from me over the next four weeks you're gonna hear directly from them as we lead into peacemaker and they are going to share with you their tips in conflict resolution communication as we lead up to that event which is on April 7th Peacemaker April 7th make sure you're there if you haven't bought your tickets yet they are available on our website it's going to be a phenomenal evening we're expecting over 600 people probably gonna sell out so you still have time you've got about a month but you definitely definitely want to be there we're gonna be at the Marriott Marquis and marina downtown here so with that I am going to sign off on this first Facebook live it has been a blast interacting with you thank you so much for tuning in and we will definitely be back soon with another one and in the meantime keep your mindset right and keep tuning in on Mondays thanks everyone.